Changing

I think I'm able  to change.

Strange....when I look back I can see a really sick little girl who were afraid of any change.

Now I think I can change and I've changed and I WILL change more.

And now my smile is not a lie anymore :) I can smile for real....for my love.

Get together....?

I will get better, I can feel it. I went to a foreign countr so I can be far away from everything.
It's a bit kind of funny that nobodí knows my "dark" side. Everybody thinks that I'm always happy since I smile a lot. They only see a girl with a smile who studies a lot and helps where she can....funny...

Only those can see my real side who can see through my lies.... till now I only found 1 human who were able to do it.....but she is far away now........

Onegai...

Taskete....onegai..taskete..kudasai.. ONEGAI!

Calming down...or not really

I would say I was able to calm down.. My heart stopped being crazy...
For now I have to face family problem....my father started to drink again...it wuldn't be a problem if he could stop a certain point...
I'm getting enough of it.. I don't want to keep watching him doing this.. I can't..
Somebody....please...tasukete kudasai.....onegai shimasu.....tasukete..

Twisting feelings...continues

My fantasy is driving me crazy...I'm even planning how to seduce somebody.... OMG but fortunately it's only fantasy..it is allowed, isn't it?
On the other side I'm suffering from drugs....not meant like phisically I mean it psychologically.... The winter is coming so it becomes deeper...the wound on my soul...

Twisting feelings...

I should keep writing the blog or otherwise I'll loose control over myself. I'm getting confused...the winter is coming so I'm depressed. On the weekend I drunk a lot so I got careless and..I like flirting. It's not like I did something bad. I already have a a boyfriend since almost a decade XD I love him more than anything...it's just that sometimes I like play around a bit with single guys.. Orrr err.. no good sample. It's not playing around it's just flirting. It feels good sometimes. But now I got careless and get some blushing because of some guy from my university and also he is  afriend of mine... I see himeveryday. Some time ago I already had fantasies with him but not so strongly.. but now I got excited...would like to try some things... OMG JUST CALM DOWN MY BRAIN.... My blood is boiling... My feelings are twisted... And it's worse since I cant see my boyfriend too often...

Loosing to myself

Really I'm loosing to myself... I had a little time to read manga today and just when I started to fel a bit better my father makes me depressed again. My brain can't take more complaining...I'm gonna crash..